Wow… has it REALLY been so long ago since i’ve posted here?
A lot has changes and happened the last year…
Helena and me had a short relationship and broke up again. I didnt have the feeling I could be myself… In contrast to Lenore (who couldnt accept my feminine side) I had the feeling that Helena could ONLY accept my feminin side. She has since broken all contact 
I don’t think a relationship with her had passed the test of times but i do miss her as a friend…
Anyway… since then I had a yes-no-yes-no-yes-no-yes-no relationship with Pavlova. It felt good being wanted again. But at the same time I knew we couldnt be together. Very strange.
And now? Now I am all alone again. All alone in the world. Not even knowing if someone even knows of this blog anymore… And yes I do feel alone…
I have made a walk of 30 minutes in the fields on heels again today. Not knowing who I am. Neither male nor female. None of those… Both…
Fuck… I hate my life…
If it weren’t for the kids…
November 8, 2011 at 10:58 am |
There is always hope! Because life has been so hard on you … i can propose you to start searching within yourself for wat you are… Because youre an infinite entity and you come from an infinit space in this finite manifestation some of us call material plane, thus you can never have enough or be happy enough here so dont make atachments and take life as it is with great joy… its not hard i had my own experiences but i was willing to learn and i learned now im a winer … you could start by readin Eckhart Tolle, hes books can learn you about your mind and yourself… That would be a great start, and please dont be ignorant …. Ignorance has brought nothing to humanity! I give you my love and peace!
November 8, 2011 at 11:51 am |
Don’t get me wrong… I do know who I am on the inside. I did have a great experience about that (see post about it: http://whenhopeislostnothingremains.wordpress.com/2008/11/12/nde/ )
It is just the “translation” from inside to outside that troubles me…
It’s like : I know my inner being, but it does not correspond to what i look like… and I have no idea of how that outside should look like…
More or less as if I’m trying to explain the beauty of colours (my inside) to a blind man (my outside)