I’ve been alone since one and a half week already… Time to think over what has changed.
I wanted to start by saying I haven’t missed Lenore one second. But that would be wrong. I have missed her on saterday night. At night, Son was crying a lot and at first I couldn’t see what was wrong. He had eaten, no fever, he was tired but not overtired. He had been sleeping for over an hour before he started to cry, so it wasn’t because of the “changed environment”… I went to lay beside him to calm him down and at first it seemed to help. He fell asleep again. But after half an hour he woke again and started crying… I had noticed his nose sounded “a bit full” so that was the problem: an oncoming cold. But unfortunately I didn’t have anything to clear his nose with anymore. And at that moment I wished Lenore was here. So she could keep an eye on Son while I went to a pharmacist. Now, I couldn’t go.
But except for that moment, I haven’t missed Lenore. I’ve been missing the kids and I’ve been missing “someone to talk to in the house”… I have started to clean the house, getting rid of everything I don’t want anymore. Cleaning the Veranda, Daughter’s Room, my bedroom… I haven’t finished yet and I’m not hurrying. I have all the time I want. And the most important part now is relaxing…
That doesn’t mean I regret having a relationship with Lenore! The first three years of our relationship were great. We had our arguments but what couple doesn’t? But overall it felt good. We had great times, we had some lesser times. But I wouldn’t want to have missed those great times.
The fourth year was one with a lot of complications: The pre-eclampsia that Lenore had during her pregnancy, the premature birth of our son, the surgery he had to go through, the post partem depression of Lenore. It was hard but we managed. These were just circumstancial so no-one to blame at all! Nothing we couldn’t survive. Nothing we haven’t survived.
But the last year was a mess. It all started when Lenore found out I was a crossdresser. She blamed me for not telling earlier but I just couldn’t. At what stage do you tell the woman you love “oh by the way: I wear women’s clothes too”? She never forgave me the secrecy. She never forgave me that I couldn’t marry her as long as she didn’t knew but I could father her child. And she has a point there. I should have told her before we had our Son. But then again: I’m still the same person I was before. I didn’t change. But she needed support to get over it. So she went to Soldier. They fell in love again. (full story here ). And now she’s joined his family.
That last year was one with a lot of stress. Not knowing whether she would choose for me or for Soldier. And I didn’t want to force her to choose. It’s her life and her choice alone. I even aggreed to let her have a lover AND continue our relationship! I don’t think many men would give THAT much freedom…
But now that stress has fallen away. And I’m allready over the fact that she didn’t choose me. During the holidays I dealt with it already, even before she physically left. She has chosen Soldier. I hope she’ll find with him what she’s looking for in her life. Somehow I doubt it, but it’s her choice and I wish her all the best. Somehow she still doesn’t believe I’m sincere when I tell that I don’t blame her for anything. Somehow she thinks I say bad things about her to other people. She made it clear again when she brought Son to me last weekend. I wonder how I can make her see that I don’t do all these things she believes I do. I’m afraid I can’t. And frankly, I shouldn’t care either. As long as we can live with eachother as being “the other parent” that should be enough. I hope we can be friends again one day, but as long as she stays so suspicious and seeing conspiracies that won’t be possible I’m afraid.
Also during the trancedance lessons, a lot of emotions flare up. Among several people. And all the participants have now received a mail by Sage on how he can’t stand Lenore treating me this bad (some comments about the songs on the CD – see here). On one hand I like the idea that people stick up for me. But on the other hand: I’m perfectly capable of defending myself if necessary. And I don’t think it is necessary here. Her comments don’t hurt me anymore. So why react?
Even worse: somehow I think that Lenore will interpret this as another one of “my games behind her back”. But in fact I have told that I’d rather NOT have someone defending me… I just wish they’d know Lenore they way I used to: open-minded, spiritual, funny, sweet, tender, wise… but somehow, she seems to have lost most of that the last year… I really hope she’ll find that back. As I said: I hope we’ll be friends again!
She isn’t a bad person. She really isn’t. During the week, she let Son “phone” me because she knows I miss him. And last weekend she brought Daughter with her when she came to bring Son. And I loved to see her again. And Daughter was allowed to come to the playground with us. It felt great! So she really cares about me missing the kids. She wouldn’t have done that if she was really hating me… No she doesn’t. But she’s hurt. At first by me by not telling her about my crossdressing. And afterwards by her own mind. She sees conspiracies everywhere. At one moment she even asked me if I had an affair with the Teacher. Even though the Teacher is a nice and kind woman, she really isn’t my type. In fact for the moment I don’t WANT any relationship. I just want to come at ease and at peace. That doesn’t mean I will pass a relationship if “The One” would come into my life. But I won’t be searching for it… Once again: not because having a relationship with Lenore was bad. Not at all! But because I want to settle down for some time. To de-stress…
Tags: dance, divorce, feelings, friendship, hurt, Lenore, trance, trance dance
