And so the story begins

And so the story begins 

  

Hi blog, 

  

About a year ago, my Love had a depression and had to go to the hospital. It was a hard time for our entire family. Her, me, her daughter (who I love as if she was my own), our baby son and my Love’s mother who took care of the baby. I took care of the daughter, had a full time job, went to the hospital every day for a couple of hours and did laundry etc. It was hard but I kept myself going. I couldn’t crash. I needed to be a rock that could be counted on.  

After treatment everything went well for a while. But she started to show signs of depression again. I decided to read her mail to find out if she was expressing these feelings with someone. Just because I was worried. I know I had no right to go trough her mail. I know it was wrong. Her life is her own. I have no right in trying to adjust her course. 

But I was just too worried. I couldn’t help myself. 

She found out somehow. Ofcourse she was pissed. I would have been too. 

So she read my mail as well. 

  

There she found some ordering mails for women’s clothing. She thought I was having an affair. Truth is, that I wear these things sometimes myself. Somehow they make me feel more at ease. More relaxed. Anyway, she sought some help with a couple of her friends: a female friend, a former boyfriend and a therapist-friend. So I had to confess her my deepest secret. No-one in the world knew about it. 

  

Ofcourse it was a huge shock to her to find out there was a side of me she didn’t know about. She started to doubt anything about me.  

Her friends kept her going. It seemed everything turned out allright. She accepted my crossdressing. I was so happy that I even asked her to marry me. The tought of her finding out my Secret and leaving me always kept me from asking. How could I marry someone and keep part of me hidden from her. How could I marry someone if I couldn’t hoenstly promise her I would stay with her forever? Her acceptance of my dressing wiped all the doubts away. 

But the spark of love between my Love and her former boyfriend rekindled. He was everything I wasn’t: tough, handsome, someone to go out and have fun with (I had to watch the kids), someone who radiated raw power (he is a military guy so let’s call him Soldier from now on). 

  

 On newyears eve my Love confessed to me she had slept with Soldier. She wept sincerely. She loved both of us. She couldn’t make a choise between the two of us. We had talked about having feelings for someone else a long time before this issue and I kept my point of view: a person can’t be blamed for having feelings!!! I felt as if a knife was planted in my heart. But I love my Love so much, I could not be mad at her. I forgave her. But I hated Soldier from the deepest corner in my heart. The things I imagined I would do to him are embarrasing. Fortunately my Conscience kept me from doing any harm. You see, Soldier has a relationship and kids as well. I fantasized about calling his girlfriend and telling everything. I fantasized about going to his home and destroying his car (he’s passionate about that) or even his home. I fantasized about torturing and killing him. But how in the world could I live with myself if I’d do these dark things and destroy the lives of his girlfriend and kids with it. They are innocent. 

  One day he came to our house and took my Love on a ride on his bike. When he entered my home and stood there before me, I had to use every single bit of self restraint to keep me from beating him to the hospital. Or rather the other way around: I wouldn’t stand a chance against a Soldier, so it would have been me in the hospital. But at that moment I did’t care.  

  Everythime my Love went out with Soldier my heart wept bloody tears. But still I couldn’t be mad at her. I couldn’t stop myself from loving her. I still would go to hell and back for her. But somehow she only saw/sees Soldier. Her feelings for him deepened as time went by. Her feelings for me diminished. She still hasn’t left me yet. Somewhere deep in her heart she still loves me. But Soldier has her heart. She keeps her feelings hidden from me. I am locked out. A blog where she vents her feelings is now password protected from me because I found out. Should I have kept silent and read it anonymously? No, I’m not like that. Somehow I can’t pretend to be something I’m not.

It destroys me slowly from within. All my friends tell me I should leave her. But how can I? I love her with every cell in my body. I love her with every single atom or atomic particle of my being. All my friends tell me I can’t survive staying with her. But I can’t survive without her. (well, ofcourse I will be able to live. I’m not the first peron in the world to loose a love…. but you know what I mean). At a certain point, trains looked attractive. I was thinking of hugging one if it passed by… But somehow that doesn’t seem to be the correct way. But it is so hard.

  But she hurts me in so many ways. I don’t know how long I can go on. Everytime she uses MSN messenger to chat with Soldier, everytime she goes out, everytime she goes shopping on her kids-less day I wonder if Soldier is with her. She sends out so contradicting signals. She doesn’t share her feelings anymore, but acts as if we are a nice couple on some days. Sometimes she tells me I infuriate her, but she stays with me. She says she loves Soldier more than me but won’t go and live with him. She doesn’t show she likes my embraces but when I don’t give them to her, she askes for them. So everytime she wants to cudle I wonder if she secretly embraces Soldier in stead of me. Every kiss I wonder if she kisses me or Soldier. 

  Recently I have told her I won’t keep her from seeing Soldier. Or even from sleeping with him. I know this sounds like I’m a willess creature. But how can I forbid my Love to live her own life? I love her so much and want to make her happy. But somehow everything I do just does the opposite… giving her freedom makes her think I don’t care, letting her go to her lover probably makes her think I just don’t love her that much. Not demanding things for my own seems like I’m just non-active. For five years now I’m giving up thing for my own just so I can give her the things she wants. And still she thinks I just don’t do enough. Her Soldier is better. He makes her feel the butterflies in her stomach. He makes her spine tinkle with electricity. And me? I’m just the guy that stays home and watch the kids so she can go out, have ice creams, go to several courses or whatever she wants. I’m not exiting, I’m not placing her on top of a stage. But how can I make her see that everything I have done has put her on a stage so high that I can’t reach her anymore?  

 I must be stupid. I’m sticking a knife in my own heart just so she can be happy. Just so she can go to another man. Just so someone else can benefit from my generosity. Oh, there is a person who claims it is my best treat to give without asking something in return. But up until now it has only brought me pain, only brought me misery. I thought that growing my soul would mean improving everything. But this unconditional love has brought me nothing but pain. How can someone say I have improved as a person if the only thing it brought me is pain. Oh, I know in a perfect world this would all be for the best. But we don’t live in a perfect world. We live in a world where your heart gets ripped apart if you open it totally. We live in a world where people hurt you when you let yourself be vulnerable. Sometimes I wonder if I haven’t made a mistake in opening up. A mistake in destroying the wall around my soul. Life was easier/safer when no-one could hurt me…

Everyone sees how I keep standing. Bearing what has to be done. But no-one sees the little boy inside that just wants to lay down and weep. Cry in the dark so no-one can see. Despairing. Loosing hope. I have given everything I had. I have nothing left. The only thing I get in return is pain, grief and sadeness. Loosing hope is the last. I have lost my pleasure in life. I have lost the will for anything. I just want to lay down and sleep. And most of all: I just want to stop feeling!!! 

 If someone would stop me in the street today and wanted to rob me, I would refuse to give anything. Maybe then, he would use a gun. And then I would embrace death. Then it wouldn’t be MY choise of leaving this godforsaken piece of rock. Then it wouldn’t be my responsability. It wouldn’t be my shame. It wouldn’t be my descent into darkness.

Tags: cheat, crossdress, despair, love, lover, pain